Humor
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A mother was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her teenage son. Suddenly the boy bursts into the kitchen.
"Careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my goodness! "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my! "WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! "Careful! ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? "Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!
"The mother stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?
"The son calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm trying to play soccer.
As illustrated here, we parents have a tendency to get a little overzealous at times. Here are a couple more examples to keep in mind while you're watching your kid's games.
- You know a few 6 year olds that are good but "lack focus".
- You base the next purchase of your new vehicle on whether it will hold six kids, six soccer bags, and a portable goal.
- You know the location of every Wawa within a 400 mile radius.
- You relate directions to places by the nearest soccer club.
- You know every kid on every team your child has ever played on...but don't have a clue who their school mates are.
- You feel lost when you have a free weekend.
- You become a partner in a soccer store to save money.
- You can justify complaining about someone who gives hundreds of hours of volunteer time to your son or daughter.
- You don't give your kids time-outs, you give them red cards.
- You ground your kids for a week (except for soccer practice)
- You can rationalize spending $89 on the good cleats but won't spend $3 on a birthday card for your spouse.
- You respond to the question, "How old are your kids?" with "I have a U8 and a U10".
- You have to use a grandparent to take kid #1 to a tournament because Dad is at a different game with kid #2 and Mom had kid #3 two cities away in another tournament all in one weekend.
- You find yourself missing the parents of your child's teammates during the off-season.
- You wonder, "What's an off-season?".
- You refuse to make any plans with your friends until you check your kids' soccer schedules.
- You take out a home loan to pay for all the equipment and expenses.
- You have to decide between tryouts and first communion and you ask the church what their options are.
- You plan the birth of your next chld to have a good soccer birthday.
- Your baby's first word is "gooooooooooal!".
- You make all your computer passwords begin with "soccer" or contain your kid's number.
- You have been barred from the sidelines more than once.
- You have had the kids ask if Christmas is "home or away".
- You purchase new cleats because the old ones didn't "have any goals left in them".
- You spend weekends out of state in C-minus hotels.
- You hear the term Brazilian method and don't think it refers to something dirty.
- You yell at your kid to get up and shake it off, even after the ambulance arrives.
- You spend hours walking down the yellow line of a busy street with a bucket and a fundraiser sign.
- You have ever found yourself in turmoil because the person who tracks the official time on your team didn't show up.
- You need to budget for a new portable chair every year.
- You ever thought working the snack bar was a fun thing to do.
- You have ever wiped out the circulation of your local paper, that nobody outside your neighborhood has ever heard of because your team made the front page.
- You have ever had a conversation on the side of the field about the field conditions and used comparisons.
- You have woken up in the middle of the night yelling "Get it out of there".
- You have begged a paramedic not to cut off your child's $116 uniform.
- You have written down more than five "You might be a soccer parent if..." jokes and sent them to your fellow soccer parents.
With contributions from our own Greg Barrett and Jim Thomas.